pstlyfdiva's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happier living through chemistry I am completely exhausted. I have only had 2 or 3 decent nights’ sleep in the last 3 weeks. Those nights were thanks to sleeping pills, though the sleeping pills haven’t worked every night I have taken them. Miss C works for a homeopathic doctor and is sending me some things to take to try to regulate my sleep and mood. I hope it gets here soon, last night I got a total of maybe 3 hours sleep, broken up into 15 minute increments. I know the sleep issues are due to depression creeping back into my head. This time I am not as sad as I am tense, irritable, short-tempered. Of course that doesn’t mean I am not crying, because I am, but I am not “blue”. I am too proud and stubborn; I do not want to go back on my meds. I was heavily medicated ending about 4 years ago, Fab says I was more fun then…probably true. I am having trouble handling stress at work; things that I normally would just take care of stress me out. I have snapped at my boss multiple times. I even had to excuse myself to the bathroom a couple of times to cry out of frustration (I am not letting anyone see me cry at work)! C mentioned my change about 6 weeks ago, I asked her to give me 3 months to try to level out. We are half way there and it looks like I am going down rather than up…maybe what Miss C sends will help. I hope so. Last night I asked C to be patient with me, she said she would be, that I had been patient with her through all of her issues. She doesn’t understand why I don’t want to go back on my meds, I can’t really explain it. I think it pride. I KNOW I am stronger than this. Which doesn’t make sense, as I advocate “happier living through chemistry” to anyone who needs it. A shrink once told me that my thinking along those lines was arrogant. I know it is, but more so, I feel it is because I am too freaking proud to ever reach out for help. This is a time that C needs me to be strong for her, she just lost a family member and her great-grandmother is dying of cancer. I am trying to be compassionate, but I feel myself being numb about things. I hate that I am not being the nurturing girlfriend that she needs and to which she is accustom. I hope she knows that I am trying. 11:44 a.m. - 2006-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||