pstlyfdiva's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Retourner à l'expéditeur
One of the casualties of her youth was a sweet, naive, French boy (what else would he be, as she lived in France at the time). They had a summer romance, she enjoyed the attention and she cared about him, just not to the extent he cared about her. The summer ended and she moved back to the States, they talked on the phone and wrote letters for a few months. He wrote of marriage, she wrote of cheerleading practice. She broke his heart and knew it. Some five years later she returned to France to visit. He told her that since she left he hadn’t found anyone to compare to her. Once again they had a terribly tight bond, he again spoke of marriage, and she was confused. By this point she knew that she preferred the fairer gender, but she did care about him and loved his family. She told him of her preferences and he said he didn’t care, he loved her, they could work it out. She left France once again, with the promise to continue the conversation. To complicate matters she had substance issues which exploded when she returned to America. Relationships all around her were affected…ones across the ocean were treated even worse. She was heartless with him; played games with his emotions online. Finally she stopped returning his calls and emails. She broke his heart once again, this time it was worse. It took two more years for her to get clean. When she did she tried to make amends. She wrote him, apologizing and explaining the substances. He already knew about her substance use, but not the level of abuse. He wrote her back and told her it was a cop out and that it wasn’t an excuse. She agreed that it was not an excuse, but it was a reason. He was bitter and he was still angry. It seemed he had no room for her in his life, even to make amends. He was getting married. She backed off, even though she also wanted to reconnect and apologize to his family. She respected his feelings and knew she couldn’t force him to accept her apology. She thought of both him and his family often over the next five years; wondering how they were doing; wondering if they all married and had children. Wondering what they thought of this horrible American that broke their son/brother’s heart. She felt like she couldn’t write to them…not without his permission. So she didn’t. Finally she decided she had enough. She had been clean five years; she had a better perspective on things than she did when she wrote the original letter. She could look at life with more mature eyes. She crafted an letter and decided to email it to him, as she doubted his physical address remained the same after marriage. In it she apologized for her heartlessness and told him how embarrassed she was for the way she treated him. She told him that she hoped that he and his wife were very happy. She asked of his family. She filled him in on hers. She told him of her engagement and her professional life. Most of all she was humble and extended an olive branch to him. Her heart raced. It was hard to face the mistakes of her past, but she hit “SEND” anyway. Two minutes later. MAILER DAEMON His email address was no longer active. She tried to find his email address online to no avail. Today her letter sits there, unsent, unread. Her apology sits unheard. Jérôme, je suis désolée. 10:13 a.m. - 2007-04-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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